Saturday, May 31, 2008

Feats of Clay

Today, I had a lot of trouble with the news. Some days are worse than others. So many people dead in Myanmar. More victims of the China quake found. The insurgency is gaining strength again in Iraq... None of that really phases me.

But today I dreamed, I mean read, that Clay Aiken is expecting a baby. I know, it stopped me too. It just doesn't compute. It's like reading "Ann Coulter becomes UNICEF Ambassador" or "Study finds fried foods speed metabolism."

But it gets weirder. I mean, for me, it was weird enough because I kind of thought he was gay. Of course, Melissa Etheridge is gay, and she has babies. And lots of gay men have a beard (a female companion who deflects questions about a gay man's sexuality) so maybe Clay has one, she got pregnant so they're conveniently claiming it's his. To be honest, I don't really know a hell of a lot about Clay Aiken and his personal life. And frankly I'd like to keep it that way. But since the headline stopped me in my tracks, I did manage to read the story. Apparently, Clay's best friend is a 50-year-old woman named Jayme Foster, sister of record mogul David Foster. Clay and Jayme live together, and Jayme has been artificially inseminated with Clay's sperm. Yup. You read that right. You don't have to make this stuff up.

And that giant crunching noise you here? My sources tell me it's the universe collapsing on itself.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

"Not Everything's Black or White, You Know"

Sometimes people say that to me. Often I consider these people to be stooopid. Because duh, of course not everything is black or white. Only a moron would classify everything as being black or white.

But many things are easy to categorize. Like people. People are easy to categorize. All you have to do is say "There are two kinds of people in this world..." and then complete the sentence with whatever you think is most descriptive. Lately, I've come up with a bunch. And I'm sure now that I'm thinking about it there'll be a lot more, so feel free to check back:

There are two kinds of people in this world-
  • The kind who think audience participation is fun, and the kind who wish their chair wasn't bolted to the floor, so they could use it to bash in the heads of the people who like audience participation.

  • The kind of people for whom the yellow light indicates to proceed with caution, and the kind of people who are already think of explanations in case they get pulled over for running what was really barely a red light anyway.

  • The kind of people who stand back and wait for an elevator to empty before entering, and the kind of people who press their noses to the metal, just waiting for the car to arrive at their floor so they can launch themselves in as soon as it opens. Because, of course, there wouldn't be anyone else on it waiting to get off.

  • The kind of people who like to try new foods, and the kind of people who dry-heave at the mere mention of things like curry, or sushi, or, and I can barely type this, tofu.
My four extremely loyal blog readers can feel free to share their own.