The Technical Term

I know, I know. It's been a long time. And for the three of you simply clamoring for more frequent updates about the glamorous, some might even say wondrous, events of my everyday life, my sincere apologies.

With that out of the way, on to the real reason for my post. This morning on my way into work, I was half listening to a "story" on WTOP. I use the quotes because, for the most part, a story on WTOP isn't exactly a story. More like an extended headline. But I digress...The story was on the topic of anticipated Halloween merriment tonight in Georgetown, and how police plan to keep revelers safe. One officer commented that extra personnel would be out on the streets to assist in case anyone became "over-beveraged." It actually made me laugh out loud. When I typed it into Google, the first references had to do with NASCAR (natch) but the reason I like it is because I think it offers a much more sophisticated option than "drunk off your ass." Like rather than saying "Mom, you are drunk off your ass" you could simply say "Mom, I think you've become somewhat over-beveraged." CLASS-EE!
I give you permission to use it liberally. I know I plan to.

Public Notice

Attention drivers:

When you are picking your nose in your car (or doing pretty much anything else, for that matter) I CAN SEE YOU. Your vehicle is not an invisible jet. The action itself does not render you unseen by your fellow drivers, either. It's called a tissue, and is an appropriate tool for accomplishing what you're most likely trying to accomplish, especially in a public setting. If you're not actually trying to accomplish something, and are engaging in this activity just for the fun of it, I would suggest tinted windows.

I realize this may not come as news to some. In fact, I'd like to think that most of us are aware of the point I'm trying to make. But given the frequency with which I regretfully observe this activity, it can't hurt to mention it again, just this one time. In case you were raised by wolves or something.

OMG I Heart George Clooney

"Yeah, so what?" you might be saying. "Who doesn't?"
But I think I truly do love him. Like, even in an "I just want the best for you George," kind of way. It might even be platonic (though since I do want what's best for him, I would be open to taking our relationship further if he thought it was the right thing to do.)
He's just so cool. He has this "can't be bothered" attitude about the whole Hollywood thing. He's always smirking, which I like. God knows there's always something to be smirking about (if you're paying attention, anyway.) He appears to have an excellent sense of humor, and by most accounts is a genuine smartass (there's virtually no quality I find more appealing.) He may even be a relatively decent human being. Plus he's pretty easy on the eyes.
Many of you may have read that he recently got into a motorcycle accident with his chick, in New Jersey. Apparently a number of hospital staff members violated HIPAA by accessing his medical records. (And let's be honest, who wouldn't in that situation?) Those employees were suspended and, in response, what'd George Clooney do? He probably got all pissed off and made some scathing comments in the press, touching on how horribly difficult it is to be an international superstar, right? Nope. I would have, but all he said was "While I very much believe in a patient's right to privacy, I would hope that this could be settled without suspending medical workers." How cool is that? It also pretty much confirms that he's never been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction or genital warts, or something, because you can bet he wouldn't have been so relaxed about the whole thing then.
P.S. He was also on "The Facts of Life" which, while not one of his proudest moments I'm sure, gives him additional cool points in my book. But I warn you, do not start singing the theme song in your head. You know the one. It'll be stuck there all day.

Rally Monkey

I'm what some people might call a "fair weather fan" when it comes to sports. I don't think that's accurate, necessarily, because it seems to imply that I only enjoy a sporting contest when my team is doing well. More to the point, I don't really have a whole lot of teams that I'd bother to call mine. I'm a Red Sox fan, of course, because it's my birthright, but I follow them fairly casually, for most of the summer. I'll watch if they happen to be on when I'm flipping through the channels. I might even go so far as to click on a link as I read the day's headlines. But I don't really start paying attention to any team until it comes to play-off time. There's almost nothing that can make me watch football, and hockey is completely out of the question, fights or no fights. But basketball, and baseball especially, are two sports that I can get behind, once it's crunch time. I'd say I'm more of a Johnny-come-lately, sports-wise.
Which is why the Los Angeles Angels were not on my radar screen. Really, why should they be? Well I'll tell you why--a little something they call the Rally Monkey. Now if you're like me, you probably didn't know there was such a thing, which is a real shame. We were watching the last game of the Red Sox-Angels series this weekend, when out of nowhere, a tiny monkey, which appeared to be licking a treat of some sort, flashed across the screen. "Was that a monkey?" I asked, to no one in particular. Indeed it was. But not just any monkey--a Rally Monkey. And there are rules. The Rally Monkey only appears when the Angels are tied or trailing by three runs or less in the 7th inning or later, with a runner on base. Which I think is great, because it'd be just like us humans to overuse something like the Rally Monkey, draining it of all its magic, without rules.
And then I was thinking I might like a Rally Monkey of my own. You know, for those days when I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I just don't have enough time to do all of the things that need to be done. Or on those really long drives home, when I start feeling like hurling a grenade into the nearest SUV. I think a Rally Monkey would make me feel much better in general. I would, however, take a page from the Angels' play book and implement rules governing use of the monkey. Like--only if it's 6 pm and I'm still just three blocks from the office. Or if we've entered hour three of a meeting at work. And I wouldn't even use him on the weekends at all. Scout's honor.

A Prayer

Dear God,
If you're up there, and you're listening, and you happen to have a free moment (I know you must have a lot going on) please find a way to tie up Elizabeth Hasselbeck, of "The View" fame, in a bag full of South African Honey Badgers. I looked it up, because I didn't want to waste your time on deciding what kind of animal. It appears to be the consensus online that the honey badger is at least one of the world's meanest creatures. But you probably already knew that.
I'm not sure how it came to this. I didn't pay much attention when she reportedly came out in favor of torture "for our benefit." Kind of annoying, though. Then she and Rosie had that little spat--embarassing for all parties, I'd say. I also recently found out that on season nine of "The View" she likened gay marriage to marrying a toaster--I didn't see this episode (or any other, for that matter) but I found this troubling, at best. Then she pissed of Barry Manilow. Which is so obviously not cool.
Finally, just the other day I read of her concern about folks wantonly partnering up and squeezing out young'uns without getting married first. “Here’s the problem with it though . . . this is a big trend now – you have people who are cohabitating and bringing children into the world,” Hasselbeck said. “If you owned a car company for instance, you wouldn’t rent somebody a car without a contract and you wouldn’t sign up for a phone without a lease.” To be honest, it's possible that I just don't have a goddamned (sorry God) idea what she's talking about here. Can you rent babies now? And anyway, don't most people actually wish they could sign up for a phone without a contract? I heard someone give her props because she appeared to be defending gay marriage during her commentary. Being so busy disparaging one group that you fail to fully disparage another doesn't raise your stock in my book, however. Overall, I get the sense that if I did fully understand what she said, I'd probably be pretty annoyed, again. I am, after all, an unmarried cohabitor (gasp!) myself. And wasn't it you who said that whole "judge not lest ye be judged" thing in the first place? This is without even considering her anti-choice, pro-war views. Plus being horribly perky and petite--two p's that do not bode well for you in my world.
In summary, God, every time I read anything that Elizabeth Hasselbeck has said, or even just see her face, I find myself annoyed, confused, or minus a few more precious brain cells. Which brings me back to my original request.
Thank you for your help with this matter. When you get a chance, because again, I know you've got your hands full.
Sincerely,
Me

One Way Of Looking At It

Yesterday morning I was watching Bobby Flay on The Food Network. Since the show is not exactly veg-centric--it is called "Boy Meets Grill" after all, it's not always on my must-watch list. That having been said, I can pretty much get waylaid by any Food Network show. From Paula's giant (and growing) puff of silvery hair, bulging eyeballs, and butter vats, to Giada's frightening grimace-smile (why have a dentist when the entire Food Network viewing audience can see every single one of your teeth every time you're on screen?) it's all too easy to get sucked into the lost-time vortex that is TFN. For the most part, Bobby Flay doesn't strike me as a big giant ass face, and he doesn't inspire in me the same homicidal tendencies provoked by his unendurable compatriot Rachel Ray. Sometimes he even has some interesting ideas that I can de-meat, so I stayed tuned through my first cup of coffee.
On this particular episode, he was making grilled stuffed portobello mushroom caps. Since I make a version of this myself, it caught my attention. Bobby's version featured onion, spinach, smoked mozzarella, and andouille sausage. When he finished preparing the dish, along with two other mushroom-centric items, he sat down and tucked in to his work, noting the stuffed mushrooms would actually make a nice vegetarian entree.
Which gave me pause, since last time I checked, andouille sausage are made with pork, also known as pig, or, more generally, meat. I think you'd have a pretty pissed off vegetarian on your hands if you fed them a sausage-stuffed mushroom for dinner. But maybe I should only speak for myself. Maybe there's a different definition of vegetarian out there that, in a mystifying twist, accommodates pork sausage. One time I was reading the comments on a vegetarian blog, in which one woman proclaimed herself to be a vegetarian, except that she eats bacon, because she really likes it. That actually made me laugh a little bit.
In the same category (confusing things people say, I guess) I heard someone from Homeland Security on the radio this morning, who said that the government does know what's going on in terms of possible terrorist threats in the U.S., just not "some of the tactical details...the who, what, when, where." Or: Holes in domestic security intelligence, brought to you by the letter "W." But rest assured, they apparently have the "why" nailed down firmly. I kind of thought that was the easy one.