Monday, September 17, 2007

Little Debbie, That Cruel Temptress

The other day while perusing the headlines, I came across this one:
"Girl, 9, Threatens To Kill Classmate Over Zebra Cakes."
When I was eight or nine myself, during a weekend spent at my grandmother's, I consumed an entire box of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Snack Cakes. I snuck some, asked permission for others. But in the end, over a period of approximately 10 hours, I ate 'em all. (You didn't think I started working on this girlish figure just recently, did you?) I paid for it later of course. During the small hours of the morning, my grandmother found me in the bathroom, barfing up those Little Debbies. Nonetheless, I'm pretty sure I asked to go buy another box the next day. Which is all simply to say that I'm no stranger to Little Debbie's allure. The siren song of an individually-wrapped snack cake can bring even the strongest among us to our knees.
(In my case, in front of the toilet bowl.)
But even in the darkest moments of my enthusiasm, I'm not sure I would have killed for Little Debbie. Which is why I was surprised when I read the aforementioned headline. The girl who made the threat apparently wanted to have her (snack) cake and eat her chips too, as they say. (Actually, they don't say that, exactly, but the principle applies.) After offering to trade her chips for the zebra cakes, she decided, "eh, to hell with it, I'll keep both," obviously familiar with that whole "possession is 9/10ths of the law" maxim.
While I think one could probably discern something telling about American youth from this story, or the country's troubling eating habits in general, I think it says a lot more about Florida, where the alleged incident took place.
To wit, a sampling of recent headlines from a FL television station news site:
  • "Man On Bike Killed In Drive By"
  • "Stolen Car Smashes Into Retirement Home in Orlando, Driver Flees"
  • "Clerk Shoots Would-Be Robber 14 Times"
  • "Woman's Feet Hurt By Sandals Purchased @ Wal-Mart"
  • "Man Shot After Robbers Take His Pants, Make Him Run"
  • "More Than 100 Snakes Found In Del Ray Warehouse Fire"
And that's without even trying. You get the idea. There's very little reason, if any, to go to Florida. Ever.

No comments: