I Like Mixed Nuts and I Cannot Lie

On Friday evening, Darren and I took a trip to Sterling, in hopes of ending my hunt for a really, really cheap bedroom chair. In addition to its no doubt many fine qualities, Sterling is host to a Big Lots, and despite Jared's assessment that these stores are fairly umm...gross, I decided we would take our chances.

While we didn't find a chair, we did find loads of interesting items. Probably the most interesting area was the food section. It included things like canned sardines in a variety of sauces--mustard, hot, vomit. Okay, not that last one, but close enough. There was also strange candy, no-name tomato sauce, and Northern Virginia's most extensive selection of potted meat products.

A long time ago, my roommate and I occasionally shopped at a place called Boston Barn, which featured bargain foods of all types. A sort of "scratch and dent" place, but for things you actually ingest. I stopped shopping there the day we were checking out and a woman approached the cashier to explain that she wanted to return her box of cereal, on account of the things moving inside it. So now, while I do like finding things on sale--10 for $10 Diet Pepsi, for example, feels a little like Christmas morning--I'm not a big fan of discount food. I did find one item, however, from which I could not walk away, and that item was Rap Snacks.

Sure, maybe you've had a Rap Snack before. Maybe for the fly circles in which you run, Rap Snacks are old, and tasty, news. But I suspect 34-year-old Caucasian females from the suburbs are decidedly outside of Rap Snacks' target demographic. Nonetheless, as soon as I saw them, I knew I had to buy them. Rap Snacks, which have apparently been around since 1994, feature superstars of the rap world, and each variety includes an inspiring tag line. The variety available at Big Lots was Stat Quo's "Sour Cream & Extra Cheddar." Stat Quo instructs snackers to "Pursue Your College Degree." (So we'll overlook the myriad grammatical errors on the back, including the one which refers to Stat Quo as a former graduate of U of F.)

I planned to leave the bag unopened, as one should with any fine collectible but while I was out running errands on Saturday Darren succumbed to the siren song of the Rap Snack. He reports that Stat Quo's flavor is a delight. Since 80 cents a bag seems like a small price to pay for a piece of history, we'll probably want to restock.

I am currently on the lookout for other Rap Snacks, including Pastor Troy's "Hot Cheezie Popcorn," which reminds youngsters to: "Stop playin' and get serious!" and YoungBloodZ' "Southern Crunk Barbecue" advising snackers to "Get Crunk!" (I have no idea what that means.) With no disrespect intended, I may skip Chopper Young City's "Pork Skins & Cracklin'" despite its inspiring maxim, "Seize Every Opportunity."

As an homage, Jared and I are currently working on a series of Snack Raps, of which this post's title is merely a sneak peek. Expect big things. Maybe even a spot on our own Rap Snack.