Saturday, October 6, 2007

A Prayer

Dear God,
If you're up there, and you're listening, and you happen to have a free moment (I know you must have a lot going on) please find a way to tie up Elizabeth Hasselbeck, of "The View" fame, in a bag full of South African Honey Badgers. I looked it up, because I didn't want to waste your time on deciding what kind of animal. It appears to be the consensus online that the honey badger is at least one of the world's meanest creatures. But you probably already knew that.

I'm not sure how it came to this. I didn't pay much attention when she reportedly came out in favor of torture "for our benefit." Kind of annoying, though. Then she and Rosie had that little spat--embarassing for all parties, I'd say. I also recently found out that on season nine of "The View" she likened gay marriage to marrying a toaster--I didn't see this episode (or any other, for that matter) but I found this troubling, at best. Then she pissed of Barry Manilow. Which is so obviously not cool.
Finally, just the other day I read of her concern about folks wantonly partnering up and squeezing out young'uns without getting married first. “Here’s the problem with it though . . . this is a big trend now – you have people who are cohabitating and bringing children into the world,” Hasselbeck said. “If you owned a car company for instance, you wouldn’t rent somebody a car without a contract and you wouldn’t sign up for a phone without a lease.” To be honest, it's possible that I just don't have a goddamned (sorry God) idea what she's talking about here. Can you rent babies now? And anyway, don't most people actually wish they could sign up for a phone without a contract? I heard someone give her props because she appeared to be defending gay marriage during her commentary. Being so busy disparaging one group that you fail to fully disparage another doesn't raise your stock in my book, however. Overall, I get the sense that if I did fully understand what she said, I'd probably be pretty annoyed, again. I am, after all, an unmarried cohabitor (gasp!) myself. And wasn't it you who said that whole "judge not lest ye be judged" thing in the first place? This is without even considering her anti-choice, pro-war views. Plus being horribly perky and petite--two p's that do not bode well for you in my world.
In summary, God, every time I read anything that Elizabeth Hasselbeck has said, or even just see her face, I find myself annoyed, confused, or minus a few more precious brain cells. Which brings me back to my original request.
Thank you for your help with this matter. When you get a chance, because again, I know you've got your hands full.


El Dolor said...

Why is she so pretty and so annoying? I want to love her but I can't help but hate her. Couldn't we get her a lobatomy or hypnotize her or something?

El Dolor said...

To anyone who may be reading this, I do know how to spell lobotomy. Do you?